How to Train an Aardvark

In Three Easy Steps

As humanity hurtles ever further into the twenty-first century, you are no doubt thinking of buying an aardvark. But you’re probably wondering if an aardvark would make a good pet and whether it would be easy to train. Well, let me assure you that aardvarks make excellent pets and are very easy to train for this purpose.

But first, a little about aardvarks in general: the aardvark is a burrowing, insectivorous mammal of South Africa, with a stocky, hairy body and a long, tubular snout. Scientists will sometimes refer to them as “Orycteropus afer.” This is the scientific name for an aardvark. Scientists think they’re so damned smart they have to have a different name for everything. Personally, I’ve just about had it with their smarter-than-thou attitude. I can still hear their jeering laughter ringing in my ears from the Warsaw Conference when I first revealed my theories concerning the re-animation of dead tissue— the precise balance of chemical infusion and electrical stimulus that could restore human life! “My God, van Wert,” they scoffed, “are you mad?!” I struggled to be heard over their shouts. I knew my theories were bold, unconventional, taking microbiology in a wild new direction, but if only they would listen— but no! “Unethical!” they screamed. “Immoral!” “Insane!” “Delusions of Godhood!” The resulting scandal led to my forced resignation from the International Board of Science. Abject humiliation. But I’ll show them. I’ll show them all! We’ll see who’s “mad” when my undead army takes over the world!

But back to the training of the aardvark, which is easy. As I mentioned earlier, aardvarks make excellent pets, and training them is quite simple indeed. In fact, the training of aardvarks is so easy that many people refer to it as a “piece of cake.” Of course, they don’t mean that literally. “Piece of cake” is a colloquial expression meaning that a task is extremely easy. The English language is full of quaint phrases with an implied meaning which cannot be derived from the actual definitions of the words themselves. For example, “raining cats and dogs,” taken literally, would be an experience that would leave most people scarred for life. And you may have heard someone say something like, “Gosh, I’ve got a buttload of nickels.” While that’s a very colorful way to describe the amount of nickels one has, the phrase might terrify a foreigner who wasn’t familiar with our colloquial language.

But, as I was saying, the training of an aardvark is not a difficult task at all. Rather, it is quite simple, unlike the Japanese art of origami, which is most complex indeed. Origami involves the folding of paper in intricate patterns, eventually resulting in a sculpture. Skilled origamists can make incredibly detailed figures— for example, a swan with wings that actually flap! Of course, this takes a tremendous amount of practice. I have been studying the art of origami for many years, but I can still only make origami boulders. But when the Japanese in my origami class start flaunting their swans and their origami cats and their origami Eiffel Towers, I just casually mention World War II. I have been working on a figure that will stun them all, however, and assure me a place in the ranks of the world’s greatest origami masters— an origami aardvark with a tongue that shoots out!

And speaking of aardvarks, they are very easy to train and make excellent pets. If you carefully follow the aforementioned rules, and exercise a little kindness and patience, you will find your aardvark to be very well-trained, and a well-trained aardvark will bring you many hours of happiness.