The Metamorphosis by Gregor Samsa

Editor’s Note:

In 1915, Franz Kafka published his famous novella– a masterpiece symbolizing modern man’s anxiety-ridden and grotesque alienation in an unintelligible, hostile, and indifferent world– “The Metamorphosis.” It begins with the sentence “One day Gregor Samsa awoke to find himself transformed into an enormous cockroach.”
Lost to the misty annals of history is the fact that one week after Kafka’s story appeared, a man named Gregor Samsa also wrote a story titled “The Metamorphosis.”
We publish that story now, for the first time, in its entirety.

Chapter 1

One day Franz Kafka awoke to find he had been transformed into a BIG BUCKET OF PUKE.

Yes, you heard me correctly: a big bucket FULL of the tequila-fueled VOMIT of a man who had eaten nearly FIVE POUNDS of BARBECUED PORK RIBS earlier in the day.

It was extremely disgusting, as I’m sure you can imagine, but that’s what Franz Kafka was, and there wasn’t a goddamned thing he could do about it.

Chapter 2

The next day, Franz Kafka awoke to find he had been transformed into a PILE OF DOG CRAP. That’s right, DOG CRAP! And the dog had WORMS!

And then, the wormy dog ATE its own CRAP, which was FRANZ KAFKA, and CRAPPED HIM OUT AGAIN, with EVEN MORE WORMS!

Franz decided to take a nap.

Chapter 3

Later that afternoon, Franz Kafka awoke to find himself normal, but he was being SODOMIZED by a twelve foot tall VULTURE-HEADED MONKEY DEMON with an ENORMOUS PENIS WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE.

Franz screamed in agony until his vocal chords shredded themselves, and he choked to death on his own blood, but that didn’t stop his lifeless corpse from being SODOMIZED by the twelve foot tall VULTURE-HEADED MONKEY DEMON with an ENORMOUS PENIS WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE!

Oh, and also, after he died, he went to Hell, where that same thing kept happening over and over and over for eternity.

Chapter 4

One day Gregor Samsa awoke to find himself the only man on an island paradise populated by horny supermodels. He enjoyed it. Tremendously.