If I live to be eleventy jillion years old, I’ll never forget my old buddy Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus was basically a real nice guy, very honest and kind, but he faced a lot of challenges in his life. For one thing, Nazareth was a rather small-minded town with no Hispanic population to speak of, so Jesus faced a bit of prejudice. But Jesus Gonzalez of Nazareth was not a man to let the biases of others affect him and his dreams of the future.

Jesus’ thriving footwear business kept expanding because of his dedication to quality products at competitive prices, and before long he was known as The King of the Shoes. Jesus Gonzalez, King of the Shoes, had earned the respect of his neighbors and the business community. He seemed to be on top of the world. His store became a franchised operation and outlets opened in other cities — Galilee, Damascus, Corinth, Bethlehem, and many others. His stores had everything! Dress shoes, casual shoes, deck shoes, pumps, stiletto heeled shoes, Doc Martens, shoes with air pumps, shoes with coiled leap spring enhancers, shoes with gyroscopic balance enhancers, shoes with impact absorbent silicon gel housing modules, elevator shoes to make you taller, elevator shoes to make you shorter, shoes for dancing the soft shoe, clogs for dancing the hard shoe, boots, sandals, slippers, moccasins, shoes of many colors… the incredible selection at such low prices was a miracle!

But as Jesus’ popularity spread, he ran afoul of the Romans — Tony and Guido Roman of Roman Brothers Discount Shoes. For years the Romans had a virtual monopoly on the region’s shoe industry, but this Jesus character was cutting into their business in a big way. And when the Romans heard that Jesus had developed a shoe that would let the wearer walk on water, they knew it was time to do something. They sent over Gino "Cheese Fries" Balducci, their enforcer. Balducci roughed Jesus up a bit and then took him to an abandoned warehouse where the Romans were waiting.

Jesus sat in a hard wooden chair, nearly blinded by the harsh glare from the naked light bulb they had hung just over his head. Just outside the circle of light, the Romans paced menacingly, smoking Cuban cigars for effect. "So what’s all this walking on water business then?" asked Tony.

"I believe if you read the ad copy closely," Jesus replied, "you’ll see that it says like walking on water."

"Bullshit!" shouted Guido, smiting Jesus upon the jaw, "We saw it with our own eyes on TV! We saw those people walking on water!"

"It was just a commercial," said Jesus, "with some special effects."

The Romans fell silent and looked at each other. One sort of cleared his throat but didn’t say anything. They were obviously pretty embarrassed. They apologized to Jesus and let him go.

But now Jesus was scared. He sold his chain of stores, took the profits and opened a health food cafe. He served no meat, except fish, and had the best loaves in town. The centerpiece of his successful new enterprise, however, was his extensive selection of all natural juices. They were the best in Nazareth and the variety was amazing. In fact, before long he became known as King of the Juice. Of course, the Pharisees couldn’t tolerate this.

Bob and Howard Pharisee had long controlled the growing health food market in Nazareth, quickly crushing any who rose to challenge their supremacy. When Jesus learned the Pharisees were out to get him, he knew he was in trouble. It was the Pharisees who had gotten St. Stephen stoned to death. They hadn’t actually killed him directly, but they’d gotten him stoned and then encouraged him to drive. They were unscrupulous bastards and would stop at nothing to eliminate the competition. And Jesus knew that, unlike the Romans, they couldn’t be reasoned with.

Jesus freaks. I mean, he honestly doesn’t know what the hell to do at this point, you know what I’m saying? He was very upset. Jesus wept. Jesus paced around his apartment. Jesus got drunk and called an old girlfriend at three in the morning.

Then Jesus’ fear turned to righteous indignation. He’d always been the kind of guy to turn the other cheek. He’d always felt that the meek should inherit the earth and that peace makers should be blessed. But now he realized that nice guys finish last, that he was going to have to do unto them before they did unto him. He bought an automatic rifle, a bulletproof vest, and a shitload of ammo and grenades. If the Pharisees thought they could fuck with Jesus of Nazareth, they had another think coming.

Armed to the teeth and pissed off, Jesus boldly marched to the Pharisees corporate headquarters. He stopped at the curb across the street and took a deep breath to prepare himself for the apocalyptic battle that was about to begin. A determined smile played across his lips, and he stepped into the street. And right into the path of an oncoming express bus.

© David van Wert