John Carter

Because Netflix just wouldn’t stop suggesting it, I finally broke down & watched “John Carter” even though I heard it stank up the screen. And… it was ok. It wasn’t great, but it didn’t stink. 
So then I hit the old web archives to see why everyone said it stank back in ’12. Turns out, the general consensus of mainstream critics was along my lines: Meh. Not great; not horrible. But a handful of critics for extremely notable publications REALLY trashed it which had led to my false belief that the movie was total garbage rather than merely “Meh, it’s ok.”
And after I read all those reviews trashing the film, I realized they all had one thing in common: the critic must be an idiot.
I mean, the critics who praised it with phrases like “super fun” I didn’t agree with. I’d replace “super” with “kinda” if it were me. I was more in line with the 50/50 critic phrases like “uneven pacing but great visuals” or “longer than it needs to be” and similar.  Mmm, actually I’ll put me at 60/40. I’m a bit more yes than no. I’d have watched a sequel had Disney not canned the project.
However, the critics who trashed it with 1 outta 5 stars or a D- grade must be really REALLY STUPID people because the recurring phrases in those reviews were along the lines of “incomprehensible plot” and “impossible to follow.” Holy shit. This plot is dead fucking simple
Now, I know SF or fantasy films aren’t for everyone– the suspension of disbelief and waiting for the answers later (which always come within 15 minutes in this film) doesn’t appeal to all. If this kinda movie ain’t yer kinda movie, that’s fine. And “John Carter” isn’t great (or even especially good) by any means. But if your fucking JOB is to analyze & report on a fictional story and you found “John Carter” too tough to keep track of plot-wise, well, you DEFINITELY don’t deserve the job you have with EW or Time or the BBC. If you found the film confusing at all, you have as much business reviewing it as I have criticizing an article in the “Bulletin of the Chemical Society of Japan.”

Posted by David van Wert on in Film/TV Leave a comment