davidvanwert.com

Often in this life we find ourselves faced with difficult choices. Complex circumstances can sometimes make these decisions far more difficult in the “heat of the moment” than they appear in retrospect. We may decide to follow one path as if it’s the only sensible choice, only to look back later and smack ourselves on the forehead. So what can one do to help ensure that one leads a good life? Well, let me answer that question with an example of an incident that happened to me when I was young fellow, just barely out of college.

I was at a party one evening. I didn’t know very many people there, but it a “cool” crowd and I thought it would be good for me to meet some new people. “Cool” people. I didn’t normally drink, but I had a couple of beers and was standing in the kitchen making conversation, when I noticed a pungent aroma in the air. Someone next to me thrust something into my hand. I took it without knowing what it was, and when I looked in my hand, I saw I was holding a small glass pipe, stuffed with burning leaves, far too green to be tobacco. It was marijuana.

That was one of those moments I mentioned before—circumstance. I wanted so much to fit in. To be “cool.” But I had some doubts. Luckily, I had someone to turn to for guidance. When I find myself in a situation like that, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” You see, Jesus is my friend. I’ve learned a lot from him over the years. And I knew Jesus was standing right there beside me when that stranger shoved the pipe into my hand. So I asked, “Jesus, should I smoke this?”

And my buddy Jesus Gonzalez looked at me and said, “What the hell else are you gonna do with it? If you try to eat it, you’ll burn your tongue.” So I smoked it, and Jesus was right. It was awesome! I had a fantastic time at that party! I met a lot of great people, some of whom I’m friends with to this day, and I even got this one girl’s phone number. But then later one of the asshole neighbors called the police because the music was too loud. The cops showed up, smelled the weed, and came inside. And wouldn’t you know it, I had just bought an eighth off a guy named Jimmy Dean and had it my jacket pocket. Once again, I turned to Jesus for guidance. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” he said. So we slipped out the back door and through a hole in the fence into the alley. My jacket got caught, and I was stuck for a second, but Jesus pulled me through.

We needed to split, but I wasn’t sure if I could drive. What would Jesus do? He said, “Don’t risk fucking up your car, man. You just got it out of the shop. Let’s take the train down to Wicker Park and hit a few bars.” I didn’t really know the Wicker Park neighborhood back then, but Jesus showed me the way. You take the Red line downtown, then switch to the northwest Blue line. He said some people just get off the Red line at North Avenue and take the bus over to Wicker Park, but then you have to pay for a transfer and stand out in the cold waiting for a bus. And it’s really not any faster, so what’s the point? Jesus has great wisdom to share, but you have to be willing to listen.

Jesus took me to a bar there called The Dank Pit. We had a couple more drinks, met more people, pretty soon they were buying us drinks, we were buying them drinks, and everybody was dancing and laughing. And I couldn’t believe it, but this one incredibly hot brunette really seemed to be into me. Suddenly everything was working for me. I mean, everything. She was laughing at all my jokes, but it was because my jokes were actually funny. Like you might think about it a couple of days later when you were sober and still laugh. And when I told stories, they were entertaining. I’m not kidding, really entertaining! That had never happened before. Eventually Jesus nudged me and indicated the brunette with a nod of his head. “You should go for it,” he said. “She digs you, man.” Never in a million years would I have thought it would be me, but next thing you know, she and I are making out right there in the bar. She even grabbed my ass! I won’t go into anymore detail, but let’s just say that the night didn’t end until about six thirty in the morning. And I had Jesus to thank for all of it. He even gave me quarters so I could buy some condoms in the Dank Pit bathroom.

That was all several, several years ago, but when I look back, I realize that night was a turning point. To this day, when I’m facing a fork in the road, I just ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” And I hear his voice, and I do what it says.

Well, actually, nowadays I ask myself, “What would Jesus have done before he got married and had two kids?” Because that calmed him down a lot. But I’m sure you still see my point.