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Bob Ney, boob

Bob Ney (R-Ohio) and Walter Jones (R-North Carolina) humiliated America today, revealing to the world community just how petty and absurd our elected officials can be. Changing the name of “french fries” and “french toast” on congressional cafeteria menus would be a hilarious plot point in a political satire. If I saw it on “The Simpson’s” I would laugh and think to myself, “Yep, some congressmen probably are that stupid, heh heh,” or maybe even, “Heh heh, I’ve always hated the French too, heh heh.”

But now that it’s actually happened, it’s more painful than funny.

The fact that “french fries” are actually from Belgium isn’t the worst part. And the Junior High mentality behind the change isn’t the worst part. It isn’t just that they were childish enough to do it. It’s that they took time from what goddamn well should be a full fucking schedule to hold a press conference about adolescent nose-thumbing… Jesus H. Christ, guys, you’ve convinced me there is someone in D.C. dumber than Mr. Bush. You’ve just doubled my “Who’d Be An Even Worse President Than Bush” list to four.

Jones, getting your national policy ideas from restaurants will eventually backfire on you.

You guys are about to send thousands of American soldiers into extreme peril. You’re about to “collateral damage” thousands of innocent civilians, which will breed more hatred of America across the globe and create thousands of new terrorists (both here and abroad), and mean more American civilians murdered (both here and abroad)…

I mean, that’s just barely the beginning of what ought to be your plate instead of “freedom fries,” jack asses. You’ve got more important things to think about!

Bob, I realize that as chairman of the ultra-lame House Administration Committee you never get to be on TV, but that childish display… why didn’t you just go on Springer and throw a chair at a midget prostitute?

What’s next, all American symphonies shall replace their French horns with Sousaphones?

Gee, the French are hardly the only country that opposes this war. So German Chocolate Cake should be changed. Maybe we could give it to Spain as a reward for their support. The Belgians are against it, so not only do we not give their fries back, we take away their waffles. That’ll show those goddamn Belgians. And really, English Muffins should be changed to Tony Blair Muffins, since he’s about the only guy in Britain who wants the war. It’s probably going to cost him his job. And if Turkey won’t let us use their airspace, we will all eat Thanksgiving Liberty Bird. And from now on, Oscar winning actress Frances McDormand shall be known as Freedoms McDormand. Sorry, Freedoms, that’s just how it’s got to be. Loved you in “Fargo.”

Bob… Walter… maybe you guys should focus on domestic issues from now on, okay? Our international rep is crappy enough already.

Our Leader

It’s an exciting time in America! The old year has past, and the barrage of NCAA bowls and NFL playoffs has begun. It’s the time of year when lots of folks like to enjoy a rousing game of football. And a snack.

Unfortunately, watching sports while snacking can lead to sub-standard chewing procedures. Properly chewing food is important for all Americans, from the dumbest goof to the President of the United States. We certainly don’t want a repeat of last January when our poor leader choked on a pretzel, passed out, fell over, and conked his head. A black-eye for Bush is a black-eye for America.

I don’t know whether anyone gave Bush “The Idiot’s Guide to Eating Pretzels” for Christmas. If not, perhaps this list of tips from the Pretzel Safety Council will help.

1. To avoid “pretzel explosion,” carefully cut open bag with blunt scissors. If bag must be torn open by hand, wear safety goggles.
2. Pretzels should be eaten one at a time rather than crammed into the mouth by the fistful.
3. Individual pretzels should be chewed 20 times before swallowing is attempted.
4. If mouth becomes dry, drink non-alcoholic beverage (such as water) before consuming additional pretzels.
5. Pretzels should be consumed only in the presence of responsible adults.
6. Do not operate heavy machinery while eating pretzels.

Pretzels, when used responsibly, are no more dangerous than Chex mix. But it only takes a moment of carelessness for disaster to strike. Believe me. I know.

And I believe that Bush will approach his football snacking with appropriate caution this year. As Bush himself has said, “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you… fool me, can’t get fooled again!”

It’s a lesson we all should learn.