davidvanwert.com

Our Leader

Our President’s remarks during a “Texans for Rick Perry” reception at the Hyatt Regency, Houston, as excerpted from a 6/14/02 press release on the official White House web site:

“You know, when I was one time campaigning in Chicago, a reporter said, would you ever have a deficit? And I said, I can’t imagine it, but there would be one if we had a war, or a national emergency, or a recession. (Laughter.) Never did I dream we’d get the trifecta. (Laughter.)”

Yes, White House transcripts really do include the laugh track.

For the families of Americans who died in the 9/11 attacks or our subsequent military action, Bush’s reduction of their tragedy to snappy one-liner might seem inappropriate. Especially since he’s supposed to help keep that stuff from happening in the first place. But hey, who among us has not made an off-the-cuff joke that was later regretted? I certainly have, many more times than I can remember.

But this insensitive little joke is actually on-the-cuff. That was hardly the first time he used that story about the reporter in Chicago.

A group called Spinsanity did some research and found that the president has used the “trifecta” joke over a dozen times to rationalize why he’s returned the country to deficit spending. It’s an official part of his stand-up routine. In addition, Bush has used the “except in war, emergency, or recession” bit, sans trifecta capper, an additional two dozen times, dating back to last October.

What nobody (including NBC News, New Republic Magazine, and even Bush White House staffers) could find is any evidence that Bush ever mentioned any conditions for deficit spending at any point during the campaign. No reporter, from Chicago or anyplace else, reported any such thing. None has come forward since. And there’s no record of it in any transcript anywhere. About the only thing Bush ever said regarding deficit spending was that his tax-cut wouldn’t necessitate it, even in the event of recession.

What a weird little story to make up, huh?

But then the Washington Post’s Glenn Kessler ran across a similar quote: “Barring an economic reversal, a national emergency, or a foreign crisis, we should balance the budget this year, next year, and every year.”

But it wasn’t actually Bush that said it. It was in some Al Gore speeches. So first Bush stole his gig, now he’s stealing Gore’s material too. That’s so uncool.

Al Gore better double lock his bike.

John Ashcroft

Before being named Attorney General by our “duly elected” president, Ashcroft had been a senator in Missouri. But in the same season that Bush “won” the presidency, incumbent Senator Ashcroft lost his seat to Mel Carnahan. Carnahan had died in a plane crash about 3 weeks before the election, but I guess word didn’t get out.

Anyhow, Ashcroft was only unemployed for about six weeks when a guy claiming to be the President offered him this important job. So Ashcroft took the job, but for the first few months he really goofed off. He was only working three or four day weeks and going home to Missouri all the time. Once, a couple of FBI officials had to fly to his house for him to sign some documents. He wasn’t home when they arrived, so they waited in his driveway until he got there. Miffed to be disturbed at home, he left them standing out in the cold while he perused the documents.

Now, that’s not really the sort of work ethic you usually like to see in your high ranking government officials. But I think it’s understandable. He was probably still pretty sore about the whole “losing to a dead guy” thing. Plus, at the Cabinet confirmation hearings, 42 of his former Senate colleagues voted against his appointment, which is kind of insulting and takes the fun out of the rebound. So I think politics in general was leaving a bad taste in his mouth, and Ashcroft just wanted to be left alone for a while. So he kind of slacked off.

But then the tragedy of September 11 happened.

The possibility that maybe he could have done something if only he’d been paying attention… it gnaws at his gut like rats on a pigeon carcass. And so, wracked with guilt from being an absentee-Attorney General, John Ashcroft has been over-compensating in a big way. He’s determined to keep us safe, even if it means detaining citizens indefinitely without charging them with a crime, or even telling them why they’re being held. Even if it means searching homes and monitoring phone calls and e-mails without probable cause. Even if it means recruiting moles in our neighborhoods.

You’ve got to let it go, John. It’s not your fault. At least, probably not. So take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and stop violating the Constitution. Or before long, people are going to start comparing you to J. Edgar Hoover and Joe McCarthy. And unfavorably at that.

Our Leader

For the first several months of his administration, our “duly elected” president basically ignored foreign policy vis-a-vis the Middle East, Israel, and the Palestinians. And I for one don’t blame him a bit.

Come on, people. Try for just one moment to put yourself in his shoes. You just got this very prestigious job for which you’re completely unqualified, and the whole world is watching. You have to put your best foot forward. Obviously, the only sensible course of action is to ignore the parts of the job that are too complicated for you to understand, and focus instead on aspects of the job at which you excel. These aspects include cutting government aid to the needy, increasing government aid to the wealthy, suppressing information that might be damaging to your dad or his pals, and raping the environment in a more cost-effective fashion than previously thought possible. His only foreign policy move was nearly restarting the Cold War with the Russians.

Oh, it’s very easy for the critics to point fingers and say, “As President, Bush should have thought about foreign policy, at least a little.” But I for one believe he was probably going to get around to it eventually. When he first started as President, Bush thought the Mideast was somewhere just to the right of the Midwest, probably near Ohio. Our president has learned a lot in the months since then, and I think we can all agree that, if given a globe today, Bush could find Israel on it within a couple of minutes. Give or take.

And that, my friends, shows some progress.

Are the President and I the only people in America who ever lied on a resume? I don’t think so. Let’s show a little compassion for that poor bastard in the White House, America. He’s in way over his head, and he needs our support for the next two and a half years until we can get somebody better in there.