davidvanwert.com

John Ashcroft

Before being named Attorney General by our “duly elected” president, Ashcroft had been a senator in Missouri. But in the same season that Bush “won” the presidency, incumbent Senator Ashcroft lost his seat to Mel Carnahan. Carnahan had died in a plane crash about 3 weeks before the election, but I guess word didn’t get out.

Anyhow, Ashcroft was only unemployed for about six weeks when a guy claiming to be the President offered him this important job. So Ashcroft took the job, but for the first few months he really goofed off. He was only working three or four day weeks and going home to Missouri all the time. Once, a couple of FBI officials had to fly to his house for him to sign some documents. He wasn’t home when they arrived, so they waited in his driveway until he got there. Miffed to be disturbed at home, he left them standing out in the cold while he perused the documents.

Now, that’s not really the sort of work ethic you usually like to see in your high ranking government officials. But I think it’s understandable. He was probably still pretty sore about the whole “losing to a dead guy” thing. Plus, at the Cabinet confirmation hearings, 42 of his former Senate colleagues voted against his appointment, which is kind of insulting and takes the fun out of the rebound. So I think politics in general was leaving a bad taste in his mouth, and Ashcroft just wanted to be left alone for a while. So he kind of slacked off.

But then the tragedy of September 11 happened.

The possibility that maybe he could have done something if only he’d been paying attention… it gnaws at his gut like rats on a pigeon carcass. And so, wracked with guilt from being an absentee-Attorney General, John Ashcroft has been over-compensating in a big way. He’s determined to keep us safe, even if it means detaining citizens indefinitely without charging them with a crime, or even telling them why they’re being held. Even if it means searching homes and monitoring phone calls and e-mails without probable cause. Even if it means recruiting moles in our neighborhoods.

You’ve got to let it go, John. It’s not your fault. At least, probably not. So take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and stop violating the Constitution. Or before long, people are going to start comparing you to J. Edgar Hoover and Joe McCarthy. And unfavorably at that.